I am soooo frustrated right now. I can't even type in a non-online journal because I'm so confused and frustrated.

Woo. Welcome to life.

Oh hello there, journal I only use to rant in...

Well here we are, October and another heartbreak. Another one to add to the list. Oh well, it's how we learn, right? It just sucks, because this one had sooo much promise. Things were going fine, and then reality struck. Who knows, maybe things will pick up later once he figures his life out. But what I do know is how much this sucks, and I'm desperately trying to not get angry. Getting angry at people is the easy way out of caring about them. So, I'll just wait in the wings until he deems it necessary to talk to me again. But what he doesn't know is that I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle this. Holding on is much easier when it's obvious the other person cares, but my hands are starting to hurt holding the rope. Maybe when we talked about it a week ago I knew he did... but it's difficult to say now. Maybe he's just trying to keep me at a distance so we can just be friends without other stuff getting in the way, but eff me if it doesn't hurt. I almost want to confront him about it and just ask him what the hell I am to him. And then, the cynical, more masochistic side of me wants to say "No, fuck you buddy. It's your turn." And hey, if I do that and end up waiting forever, eventually I'll forget about it.

I'm just scared of turning into a block of ice because I don't wanna get hurt again. I'm a strong, intelligent woman in a world where getting a healthy relationship with my kind of taste is near impossible, and meeting someone who shares my love of things who also can support himself as well as a relationship is like, for lack of a better term, finding a needle in a haystack. I know that loving and losing is a part of life, and that each person you meet puts you on the path to the person you're going to meet, but hells bells if it doesn't suck. Royally.

But, if anything this whole experience has been a good teacher. If I was able to stumble upon something that made me so happy for a time, then there certainly is more of it out there. I've also garnered a lot of respect for the 'quick love' complex that I never understood before. I'm just sad that at least for now, it didn't work out for me. But my match is out there somewhere, and if he cares enough, it'll work out.

Things always happen for a reason; we just are never sure as to what that reason is. This too shall pass, and I'll be a better, stronger person for it in the end... but I don't know just how much stronger I can get before I just shut down and stop caring about everything. I've got an epic asston of love to give to the person who deserves it. I'm just also impatient [comes with the territory of being a Taurus base with a Gemini attitude] when it comes to things I want and believe strongly I should have.

I just hope I come to terms with this soon. I've got too much shit to do to be wondering if someone cares about me. I care about me. A lot. And that's what matters.

Now, let's try this whole 'sleeping' thing again, shall we? I can't wait for the winter to start...

So uh... who here wants to average how long its been since I've written? 3 months? Alright.


So life is all about self discovery, right? It's been an interesting summer. I probably over-use that term, but I doubt anyone is going to read this, so meh. I only use this thing to rant when I need to. I also like re-reading it from time to time.

To start, I've been crashing on Robyn's couch all summer. Needless to say it's been fun and if anything it's been kind of neat to live out of my car. Although I'm excited to move back into school and get my things out of storage [because really, who wants their things in a metal container out in Belchertown?].

It's been one of those summers that just change the way you look at things. Nate and I broke up earlier this summer. As hard as it was, it was for the best. We're just two people who make better friends, and now we know.

That's about it for now, I'm at work and don't have much time to type. <3

Okay, so it's time for me to realize some things. This is going to be a tough entry for me to write. But it needs to be done if I'm going to get out of the mess that I'm in.

LJ probably isn't the place for this, but I really don't care at this point. After dinner tonight, I realized I had over 3800 calories today. Yeah, that isn't a typo. 3800. Thats nearly 3 days worth of Caloric intake. Over a pound. Here's what I ate. 3 double stack cheeseburgers from Wendy's, A small french fries order from Wendys, A bowl of French Onion soup from panera and the Tuscan Chicken sandwich from Panera.

...What the fuck is the matter with me? Why can't I escape food? Why is it the only thing I turn to when my life goes topsy-turvy? I have a compulsive personality, I know that. I'm working on it, but when everything starts to avalanche around me, I turn away from people and turn to the best friend who won't ever leave me: food. It's gotten to the point that I get fast food every time I'm in my car, which lately has been quite often and I've reached a new record weight: 240 pounds. Not good. Not fucking good at all. My mind isn't clear, I feel like physical and emotional shit and I'm angry. All the fucking time.

Some people would ask "How the hell did she let herself get that way?" There's no real answer to that. Most of it has to to with the fact that besides my face, I don't look in the mirror anymore when I get ready. All I want to do is stay in my room, sleep, eat, rinse and repeat.

I'm really struggling with this. I'm pretty vulnerable right now, and I'm trying to find the best way to go about this. I've been a compulsive overeater for the majority of my life for a huge variety of reasons. I'm not going to go into a lot of it here, mostly because it isn't really important how I got here. What's going to be important is how the fuck I get myself out of it.

My mother lost weight when she got to the lowest point in her life. I've been upset about my weight before, but not like this. I imagine this is similar to what an alcoholic feels like, or a compulsive gambler. All I want to do is isolate and eat my feelings. And you know what the worst part is? I know exactly what I'm doing to myself and I can't seem to stop it. Everytime I say to myself "alright, today I'm not going to over eat. I'm going to eat right and that's that", I go and fuck it up. Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? Maybe, I don't really know the answer to that right now. It's a terrible cycle. I eat to feel better, it makes me feel worse, I lash out at people, then I feel bad so then I eat to feel better.

Sometimes I feel like I'm beyond saving. I look at the scale now and figure, whatever, I'm this huge, it doesn't matter how big I get. Some days I just say "fuck it all" and don't even realize all the crap I'm putting in my mouth. I don't love myself, I'm really self conscious and think that when people see me, all they see is the fat. There's a person under there.... she's nice and sweet and has a caring heart... but not now.

Nate loves me for who I am, darling that he is. He just gets sad when he sees how unhappy I am with myself. Every time he's here I dont want to go to the gym, because I'm just afraid of him seeing how out of shape I am (which is silly, but if you're a compulsive over eater, you understand what I'm talking about). I feel like I'm not even in my own skin anymore. I dont feel like "me". It's like there's a gigantic thing weighing me down (celery sticks to who guesses what it is).

I'm just hoping that this is my low-point. I want to feel better about myself. I want to live a healthier life. I want to be able to go outside and jog on a beautiful night like this one... I can't even take a walk without getting winded.

I know what I need to do, but doing it is proving to be very difficult. First thing's first... I need to let go of that "best friend" who would never leave me.

Alright... now I have to go write papers. When will this crap be over....

Alright, so Whaples never showed up to Junior Writing, so I'm here early at work killing time. It just so happens that I was at the gym at 4:30 this morning. It's definitely going to be my routine, 'cause I'm really enjoying it. It's really neat to be at the gym that early, because it's pretty much empty and I find I get much more done workout wise. That, and I feel pretty energized, which rocks. It made it better that Nate hadn't gone to bed yet, so I got to talk to him on the ride to and from the gym. He's spending Wednesday - Saturday up here. Mom wants me home on Saturday, but I'm going to talk to her about me coming back on Sunday. I haven't seen Nate in almost 3 weeks, whereas I saw Mum yesterday when she took me out to breakfast.

Well, not much else to report.. Spring Break next week! WOO! I'm pretty sure I'm visiting home from Sunday - Wednesday, and then I'll head to Connecticut for the latter half of Wednesday - Sunday morning. I do have to work Sunday afternoon, haha, I can't afford to miss much more of work anytime soon.... except the April 18th long weekend. Ill probably offer up my hours for Sunday and/or Monday.

Alright, time to watch more LOST.

Tootlez!

So, I am loooong overdue for a lj entry. Like... way fucking over-due.

Tons of stuff is happening in my life and it's all good! Finally! (I know, right?) Geez, where to start.... Well, I'm seeing someone now and it's really really fantastic. For those of you who follow my journal, Nate and I got back together :D. I went down to CT to visit Tommy and meet a whole crew of new people in January and I had an unbelieveable time. I really feel like I found some new really good friends. I went back last weekend for Valentine's day and had an equally epic time! We went on adventures, watched bad movies, I cooked for everyone (and so did Marcus, Tom's stepdad, it was epic), and just had a really fantastic time. I'm going back there Tuesday night for Jess' Birthday party in Mystic, so that'll be a nice little detour from normal life. ;)

So while my personal life is fantastic, my musical one has hit some kind of plateau. My recital's been moved to the fall (But not because of that, Marjorie just wants another semester of technical work). I'm trying to get rid of the breathiness in my tone and it's really frustrating. When I go into the practice room (It's been wierd lately, I've been practicing and feeling really paranoid that someone might hear me.... it's messed up...) I try everything that Marjorie suggested to me and it's REALLY FRUSTRATING. For example. She told me to hold my nose and try to sing around it, because maybe my palette wasn't closing off, and she's right, but at the beginning of the practice week I was getting so upset trying to do it because I really physically couldn't do it. So I'd just walk around and randomly plug my nose to see if I could manipulate my voice to talk around it. It's getting better.... at least I can DO it now... most of the time. D:

Another thing that's up in the air is what the hell I'm doing this summer. I haven't heard from CCMSI about working and that worries me. I'd fully like to go to CT for the summer and work down there and spend the summer with friends instead of family, but I think my mother would murder me. That, and this is probably the last summer I'll spend at home, so I want to be with her too. Gah, why can't I split myself up and send me to two places at once??

Hmmm... Oh, I recently beat Crisis Core, the prequel to FF7, and holy cow, it was awesome. The battle system was reeeally funky, but I liked it. And the ending... ;-; . You KNOW what's going to happen (if you've played FF7), and you're still going to cry like a baby. For realz! Resident Evil 5 is slated to come out in about a month... Nate's already told me he's making me sit through a playthrough once before I make any judgements. :P Brat. I want so badly to just tear it a new one because Waugh isn't voicing Wesker, Chris is on steroids, Jill is dead (but im fairly certain she's the creepy bird woman, which makes me happy on a different level haha), the FPS format, EL FUCKING GIGANTE (What IS it with game devs and LOTR-inspired giants?!), the ganados are back (T-virus hybrid my ass).... Ugh, too long of a list.

Well, put that in your pipe and smoke it. I'm off to go do some errands.
<3

P.S. I've been exposed to 'Killswitch Engage'. And I'm wondering where they've been all my life.

Be warned. This entry is long.

( 25 random things about me )



( 2008 - a year in review )


Oh boy... I don't think I'll ever do this many meme's again. Well, I'm going to post this, expect an actual entry someday soon before I have to go back to school.

Well, it's been a while since I've updated. (This is the most overused phrase in my online journaling, I bet you 5$...)
Things are better. 10x better. If you can believe that! Sometimes life has a way of removing the negative things in your life without you having to lift a finger. Sure, it hurts like a sonofabitch, but every day I'm one day closer to forgetting about it. I've got one hell of a "Guardian Angel" up there, that's for damn sure.
Of course, I've gotten hooked into the Twilight Saga. . What a fantastic distraction from all the work and stressors in my life! If you've read them, you'll understand my nest statement. I've found my Jacob, but not my Edward. Frustrating as hell, isn' it? I won't go into details, but there are some friendships that go a little deeper, but they can't go any deeper than that. It's a confusing emotion, but I wouldn't call it a bad one. Just.... confusing!
I've also had an endless string of performances these past couple of months. What a trip! Choir took over my life for a month, then there are the fantastic recitals of my friends and their friends that I attend (and will attend. Double-whammy this weekend! EXCELLENT!).
I went home this past weekend because I hadn't seen my birds since August. Ohhh boy were they happy to see me!!! I came in through the door, it was still dark, and they were pretty much asleep. So, I woke them all up and cuddled with all of them! :D I didn't even get bitten! Opal (who normally bites me first before letting me get close to her) was so happy to see me! She came right out on my finger and gave me kisses! Kiwi was just being his Papi self and talked to me a little... then the little ones.... OOohhh!! the little ones!!! Zorr- Sorry, Toby (his new name, because he isn't responding to Zorro... ;D ), was so excited to come out and see me! So I kissed and loved him up for a while, and he was getting quite vocal with me, much to my Mom's nerves (in the fun way, haha), because apparently that little bundle of joy is more vocal when I'm home! BB was surprisingly affectionate off the bat, but then again, she's the best cuddler in the house.We went shopping on Saturday and I got a few new pairs of jeans :D. They're a fantastic color, and they'll see much use. I had a great weekend, for sure, and I can just hope that this week and next week will go without incident so I can go home and enjoy Thanksgiving.

I should have woken up earlier, because now I'm going to be late if I don't stop writing.

The tables have finally begun to turn and I am everso grateful. <3

So insignificant, sleeping dormant inside of me.
Are you hiding away, lost, under the sewers?
Maybe flying high in the clouds
Perhaps you're happy without me.

It's alarming how quickly things can change, as well as your preception of things. It's such an exhilarating feeling sometimes, even when it's not a good subject.

People are cycling out of the spotlight of my life, and new ones are coming in. I know I'm stubborn, especially when I feel I've been wronged, but I feel it's all a part of me sticking up for myself. I need to do what's best for me, and it's taken me a bit to realize that. I've been very dissappointed by some people in my life, and hey, maybe it needed to happen. Maybe I needed to feel this pain, to dig deep into myself and discover new truths ("cosmic" if you will) about who I am as a woman, and who I will or won't become. I've worked hard on my personality issues this summer, and I'd like to think I was successful on many levels. I've been much better about not taking out my anger out on others, even though there are times when I want to lash out at everyone... I don't.

I'm in a middle state of feeling right now. I'm completely blown away by the compliments of my peers from Shannon's Recital (who sang very nicely, by the way). I mean, I was just there to sing with her as a part of a Mozart set, and lo and behold, I was tackled by my friends and peers once it was over. That's the feeling that I need to hold on to when things get dark. I need to remember what it's like being on stage, and being able to take charge and make people laugh, or cry, or feel something. It seems to me like it's a perfect fit. I feel comfortable up there, I feel like people look up at me and see a different Lillian, and in some ways, I feel like the woman on stage is the real me. When I walk into a room, I want a commanding presence, and in some ways I feel I've achieved that. I walked home tonight with a real smile on my face, something I haven't done in a very long time (it seems).

I talked to my Dad last night while I laid in bed. I asked him, wherever he is, to help me through this dark time in my life, to show me a path and help me sort things out. I felt ridiculous talking aloud to my dead Father, but it seemed like a good thing to do at the time. I'd like to smile and think that he was with me today, steering me in the right direction, and when I nearly flipped out at some people in class, he calmed me down. One thing I learned from him while he was alive was not to sweat the small things. He taught me how to put on a game face and stand in front of the world and fight anything that stood in my way. I'm very grateful to him for what he's taught me.

I think I see my path finally. It's a lonely path... but it's the path I need to follow. Right now this path is leading me to the stage, it's leading me to perform as much as I humanly can while I'm still able to do it. It may mean that people I've loved so dearly are now not so close to me, but people will travel in and out of my life until I leave this earth. With any luck, there is "someone just for me" out there, and he'll find me... and everything will begin to make sense.

Well, they say something about the journey of 1,000 miles beginning with a single step, right?

P.S. I finally got a new phone! Ya'll can call me again. :D
P.P.S. The Opera Cast was released, and I got a role in the Signor Deluso Opera. I'm very excited.

Why is it that when things start looking up, everything comes crashing down again? What kind of test am I being put through?

Getting over crushes is one thing, being angry at people around me is another thing, and then when shit hits the fan, I'm there with my hands in my pockets and nothing to fight back with. Fighting is what I do. It's what I've always done.

So, case in point, haha. As predicted, I feel like I don't belong -- that isn't new. I've decided to stop putting myself in that situation. It's a start, anyway. I'll give them the time they need together, I'll go find other stuff to do. I'm kind of tired of feeling like I'm a terrible person compared to other people. I dunno, am I a terrible person? I don't really think so... I think I take risks and put myself out there because I'm real, and everything I say is real (or everything I try to say, anyway...).

People who don't get their own shit done bothered me today too. I heard it from maybe 3 people who had missed certain deadlines or due dates or whatever the hell you want to call them. They ask me what to do, and when I give them my honest answer, they start attacking me like it was my fault in the first place. Maybe I need to not be so brutally honest. Maybe I should just start telling people what they want to hear. I'm curious enough to try it and see how that goes. Let's just keep stacking these things up, hmmm?

And now I rant about my phone dieing. Yup. Old Bessie died.

I turned it off to take an exam, and when I sat down to eat dinner I turned it on, and it started spazzing. Like, it wouldn't respond to anything I pressed. So, I took off the back plate and removed the battery. When I put it back and started up the phone, it kept doing the same thing. So I tried this a few times and then said "fuck it", and allowed it to die to see if I could charge it and it would work. Nope. It's sitting on the charger now sputtering and beeping... poor thing.

Probably the worst part of this whole mess is that I called my Mom to tell her that she wouldn't be able to reach me by phone until I could get to a Verizon store (which I have no clue where one is, and I don't have a car to get there. :D yay. motherfucker). So what does she do? She accuses me of doing it on purpose, or that I wasn't telling her the truth about it because "Oh, well I just talked to you a few hours ago... how come it worked then and not now?" Well, Mom, if you were listening, I clearly told you I turned it off to take an exam and then when I tried to turn it on it wouldn't work. I've had the phone for 2 years already and it's seen a lot of droppage and abuse (love, if you want to call it that. I use my phone alot). It just makes me so mad that she'd accuse me of something so assinine as that. What the hell would I benefit from breaking my own phone? Our contract is up in December for crying out loud, we were looking at renewing it and getting new phones anyway, so why would I break it on purpose 2 months before the end of that deadline? Sometimes I want to shake that woman. She's my mom, and I love her, but when she's unreasonable it makes me want to rip my hair out and go postal.

Another thing I'm nervous about is Opera. Word on the street is that everything is cast and they're going to notify us sometime this weekend or on Monday. I'm just anticipating that I may not get the role(s) I want... 'Cause if I don't, it's going to be a big blow. It won't break me, but I'm going to be hella dissappointed. I suppose going into that knowing what may happen is a step in the right direction... but I'm just so freaked out. I also don't want someone to tell me anything before I've had a chance to see the cast list. It's one thing if I can just look at it myself in the privacy of my own home (which is why I'd love them to release it this weekend...), it's another when someone runs up to me and blurts out what parts I/they/other people got. I know if it's going to happen, it'll happen, but it would seriously suck.

Well, aren't I just a ball of fluffy love lately? Lol, I use LJ to rant hardcore. I feel bad making someone sit through this in person, so I write in here when I get frustrated enough to do it. That way, if people see a big giant wall o' text, they can just skip past it, and no one will get hurt.

Onto the next thing. Here we go.

In my mind, places keep returning....
I still see your smile.
And the dark fear that I am feeling...
Dies once in a while...
And as the moon leads me through the madness...
I am there, standing alone.

It's interesting to me to see how things work out in the way that they do. Just when you think something is resolved, the rug gets pulled out from under you.

And THAT'S how you know you're different from the others.

My life is going in 50 directions. What's my calling? Why is it that I can't be happy anymore? Why do I get jealous when my friends get together and have a good time without me? Why do my eyes glaze over and cry and when someone asks me if I'm okay, I reply "Yes, I'm fine". Why the hell do I do that? I'm NOT fine, and it's gong to take time for me to BE fine. Wait... I know why I do that. I do it because people don't care when they ask you if you're okay, they just want you to say you're fine so they can move on. Why is it that everyone else gets that kind of attention except me? Why does no one see my silence as a scream of agony? Why is it that everyone else who has issues and breaks down gets love, and when I break down, I get avoided and told that I bring others down. Hahaa... Maybe it's the rage factor. Maybe.

Ugh, maybe I should just separate myself from things for a while, so I'm not making everyone else's life miserable. Is that all I am? Sometimes I feel that way. I feel like I'm so far removed from everyone that my only purpose to them is to be a burden. I don't feel like I belong anymore. I think I only feel that way because when I get sad in situations the only thing I know how to do is run. I'm running from everything, because I'm angry at everything. I'm angry that I haven't been able to find someone to fill the hole in my life. Am I that fucking repulsive? Am I that ugly that nobody wants me? Maybe I am, and that just makes me devistated.

This is another dark time in my life. And I'm dealing the only way I know how. I write in here and somehow try to search for an answer as I ramble. I'm going to be crying a lot, and I probably wont be very happy either, but it needs to happen, I'm sorry. Burying it with the farce that "everything will be okay" is simply not going to work this time. It's like ignoring an Elephant in someones Dining Room. You just can't do it.

Can't give up!
We have come to far to ever run away!
We have fear to swallow!

Can't let go!
Be prepared for anything...
There's something wrong!

And the worst is yet to come.

The days are getting longer for me being alone. I want someone to hold me in my bed at night, I want that someone to kiss my cheek and sing into my ear and tell me that he'll be there for me when I break down. I want him to hug me when he sees me the way I'm meant to be hugged by someone. I want him to play games with me, and sing the dorky Game music alongside me and not think I'm a nutcase. I know he's out there, too. I know he's getting closer to finding me. I haven't felt this way ever, like I know I'm about to meet someone who will change my life. And if I don't meet him... I dunno. The hole will always remain. (Lollerskates... There was a Hole here... Props if you get the referance). I'm ready to be in a relationship again, I'm ready to love someone and be loved.

I also feel like my trust in the general populace is waning. I feel like it's getting worse and worse every moment. People I thought I could trust... dissappoint me. And that hurts. I'll be friends of course... but that wall will be there, nagging. There's nothing more satisfying then when someone you developed feelings for (willingly or unwillingly) betrays your trust. It's like an insta-cure for having feelings for someone. "That was easy." It's alright, he'll be happy with who he chooses next, whomever that'll be. This scares me. Because those who know me that if I can't trust, then I don't care. I have a huge heart, I think, but it's mending. I've built Fort Knox around it, and made it so difficult for anyone to get in. Was that the right thing to do? Who knows, but it's all I know right now.

So look around...
This dismal place...
Some things have changed...
We can't be new to them...

I'm glad you're here.
I see you're well.

And welcome home...
Embrace your hell.

I need an ocean full of love, damnit.

Sometimes I really wish I could escape into the world I've created in my head. It would be so easy to just daydream all day and lose myself in my own personal Utopia instead of this debauchery here in the now. It's such a push and pull... one day I'm riding high, the next I feel trapped inside myself.

I feel as if I'm unable to speak my mind, because I don't know what my mind wants to speak. My heart governs my mind.. but my heart is confused, wounded, and cold. It's strong and has seen much these few years of my life... I will always heal, but I always wonder where the next strike will hit, and if it'll strike where a wound hasn't healed yet. I suppose that's the risk one takes daily, but why does it seem so hard that I can't breathe?

What if someday I wasn't strong anymore? Would there be someone there to help hold me up so I don't collapse into nothingness? I have friends whom I love dearly, but I am very afraid of them as well. They hold my heart in their hands, and I struggle with accepting how much I love them. If you don't understand that... I'm very glad that you dont... you don't ever want to feel like that.

I am afraid to love, afraid to really let myself go. All this I'm learning through music, through performing. These raw and complex emotions work well to channel on stage but when push comes to shove, I'm a mystery to everyone around me. There is a darkness in us all, but somehow I feel my darkness is different... my whole being is different.... I have friends in different areas, different continents... and yet, I feel so alone sometimes (and no, it isn't because I live alone... that's actually one of the most comforting things in my life at the moment). People will tell me I'm not alone, but I dont believe them. It's like my psyche is just waiting for them to fuck up so it can whisper in my ear "Ha! I told you so-and-so would stab you in the back! That's what you get for trusting Others!" . That not-so-little voice never seems to want to go away. It propells me to do what I do in music though. When I'm on stage, I own that motherfucking stage. It's mine. My presence fills it, it's my true home, the only physical place that I've consistantly felt safe (besides wherever my parents and family are, that isnt the point). I've learned and felt my audience before... I've been high on their excitement for me in a performance many a time. It's exhillerating. I feel alive. But that comes at a price. Feeling safe on stage means that I'm avoiding some major issues. Ha.

But why don't I feel alive when I'm with my friends sometimes, who are so very much alive? I don't really know the answer to that question right now... It's like the feeling I got when I saw The Dark Knight the first time. I nearly cried because my heart sang so loudly to it. A freaking comic book movie... I know, I know... I envy my friends' abilities to smile when I'm not happy. I'm trying to adopt that mentality, really, I am!

Don't take this to mean that I dont feel alive all the time... I most certainly do. When I see someone who always makes me smile in the hallway, my heart jumps a little bit, even though I know it isn't something that can ever happen now. It's taken me two weeks to struggle with this--- and I'm still sewing the wound in my heart. It never helps that I always get my hopes up about things like that "Oh, maybe this will be the one, the person I can call my equal, my companion... someone who will take my heart and love it as it deserves to be loved..." and then am always so dissappointed when it doesn't work out. It makes me want to climb to the top of Dubois library and scream and unleash my fury to the skies because god damn it, it isn't FAIR. I deserve to enjoy a happy healthy romantic relationship. I have a big heart (patched up though it is), and I have a lot of love to give. Someday someone will find me, and he'll be a lucky guy.

But--- until then I need to concentrate on what's really important, and that's enjoying the life I live today. When I see him in the hallway next time, and my heart starts to flutter, I'll softly tell it that the person just for me hasn't found me yet.

Someday, someone will hear my song, and go looking to see who's singing. Until then, I'll be waiting.

I just sang the best audiion I've ever done in my life.


Holey CRAP.



(.... No, I can't see Russia from my house, but I sure as hell can wink)

Here's to hoping ladies and gentlemen.... Here's to hoping.

Like the title says, just a quick little update that explains what is making me happy (in random order):

-My mother who upon hearing I was sick offered to do shopping for me and is getting me some prizes too.. she really is awesome (especially when we arent living together *thumbs up* ) I looove her.
-Finding new friends amongst the old friends
-Saturday Night Mass
-Watching Makeup videos on Youtube
-Akira Yamaoka
-My online buddies
-Fog outside my bedroom window as the sun is coming up on a rainy day
-The dual dock posters in my room (when you see it you'll know what I mean)
-Feeling physically like I'm not going to die
-Ania
-Hot soup
-Showers
-Rain that seems to have come right as I got sick
-De-flating an air mattress (who knew it could be such fun?)
-Meditating
-Writing about Dad's death

So today will be a very pleasant Saturday. Mom is coming with Theresa (neighbor from downstairs) and she brought me groceries, the amazing goddess that she is! That, and she's going to buy me a snazzy coat from Target (provided the size I want is still there D: ). Then, I'm going to dinner with a troup of misfits whom I loved dearly before, but now have more of a love, and then we're going to do our Saturday Night Mass. :D

Then I'll come home to my little oasis and smile, no matter what happens.

<3

So here comes the obligatory journal entry after a few weeks of classes ( can you believe it? ).

Classes themselves are going alright. I'm keeping on top of music history by reading stuff over and over and treating the listenings like I need to learn them for my voice classes. So long as I look at the score and really listen, I'll pick them up quicker than I think. Nutrition is going splendidly. It's a fairly easy class, and the lab only meets 5 times a semester, and it counts as 30% of my final grade. How sweet is that?? Let's see... Oh, I'm auditing German Lieder to give my rep list a tiny boost. I wont have nearly as much as I did my sophmore year, but a small boost is still a boost nonetheless. Finally, my witches class fucking rocks my world. It's like a history and sociology class rolled up into one amazing package. I'm having so much fun with the readings and the class, I am sooooo happeeee I took this. <33

Now, onto my ever-budding social (and a glimpse of) my romantic life. My friends are remarkable. I'm always so happy when I get a call to hang out or when I go to Saturday Night Mass (those of you know what that means ;) ). Wednesday nights have turned into the highlight of my week, going to the Grad lounge with a slew of Theory (and one AMAZING Piano ) Grad students. I honestly think they'd kick us out, because we never run out of things to say. Saturday nights... man oh man. Every saturday from now till the Apocalypse will be Saurday Night Mass.
Romance is always in the air, but sometimes it's a little difficult to see past the tip of your own nose. Sure, I have feelings for someone, but I'm none too positive that he has feelings for me. It's one of those situations where I'll be happy if we're just friends, but it would be nice if it could blossom into something more. I feel connected to this person on many levels, and it's hard not to think about it a lot. Ye ghads.

My room is one step away from being completed. Literally. I have one poster that's coming in the mail this week to complete my fantastic dorm room of fantasticness... hahaha. After a tiff with FedEx, my christmas lights were delivered right to my door :o, and I was able to put them up, and it really gives my room the light I love.

Aaaand, My dear Robyn and I went on an impromptu shopping spree Saturday, and I got the most AMAZING perfume on the face of the earth. It's called DIVA, it's from Torrid, and I'm going to type out the quote that's on the box, and leave you with it. It's my new mantra, and really brings me joy.

I am beauty.
Everything I do
Is a celebration
Of the passion of my love.

I am laughter.
Everywhere I go
Is my place to shine
And light up the world.

I am passion.
Everyone can feel
My undeniable strength
In whatever I do.

:D. That's all she wrote, folks.

Hahaaaa, so it's 4:22am and I'm awake. I suppose old summer habits really DO die hard. Well, I figured I'd post my MWF Schedule. D: Haha, it's my busier of the two Schedules, but somehow it doesn't SEEM that bad. I mean, normally I wont have the 12:20 slot taken up, so I'll be able to eat me some lunch (which is great, considering I really need to start getting serious about losing weight again). History I'm kind of afraid about, but I'll pull through and strive for a B I think. I always do better the second time aorund in a class. Here's to hoping, right?

9:05 - Music History
10:10 - Nutrition
(On Mondays only) 11- Rehearse with Ania B!
12:20 (today only) - Voice area meeting in Bezanson
1:25 - Violin Tech (gag me, please)
2:30 Chamber choir (Except that we don't have it today)
4:15 - Studio (On Wednesdays)

Okay, so the other night I couldn't sleep because I was a)Very excited to see everyone again and b) Petrified that no one would like me any more.

How irrational am I, seriously?! hahaha, I had a good laugh at myself yesterday.

Spent some time with Jenny and Jeff last night. Those two basically kidnapped me after my witches class (which was freaking AWESOME, by the way) and we went to Butterfly. I could have went without spending 10$ on a decent meal, but it was nice to be social and talk to them... They didn't mind listening to me spew out my insecurities, bless their hearts. I have a feeing those will start to go away once I start singing again and get some confidence back. My audition for the new choral director went very nicely yesterday, he said he liked my voice and was surprised at how strong I was on the top and above the staff.... Soooo I instantly like him, lol. He knows the way to win over the sopranos is through flattery. XD!

I've been thinking about going for section leader... but I'm tempted to just sit on my ass as always and be a pain during rehearsal. Those of you who are in my section know how distracting I can be, but hey, choir isn't at the end of the day anymore! Maybe I'll be able to enjoy it a little bit, ya?

Well I technically have an hour and 45 minutes before I need to be awake for my walk, so I'm going to slip back into my canopy bed (pics are coming soon, I swear!) for a light nap before I get up fo' real.

Woah... classes start tomorrow. In 12 hours I'll be back in the FAC. Almost seems too hard to believe and too good to be true.

My room looks great. I'm really happy with it. I have a Canopy bed (Whee!), and don't worry -- I'll post pictures as soon as my darling of a digital camera decides the battery is charged (So probably tomorrow at some point).

I guess I'm writing this because for the first time since I came to UMASS I'm nervous about classes starting instead of being excited. That scares me a little bit, but hey, what is fear but an obstacle that one has to charge through, eh?

Another thing I'm afraid about is dating. A few of you know the date from hell I had this summer, and I'm STILL looking over my shoulder. I've never been this afraid before, and I don't like it. Not. One. Bit--.

Anyway, I've gotta get to bed if I want to try out my new exercise regimen tomorrow morning (6am walk around campus).

My schedule as it stands for tomorrow:

8am - Beg and plead with Chris for April 18th for my Recital date
9:30 - Instrumental Methods with the one and only Ben Smar.
Break
12 - Work till 2. Normally I'd have a nutrition lab at 2:30, but seeing as the class hasn't met yet that won't be a problem.
4pm - Witches Myth and Reality -- I am SO looking forward to this class. This is something I've wanted to take since I was a freshy, and now I get to indulge a bit... and knock a Gen ed out of the water too!

Then I'll have dinner, hopefully not alone, and head back to my little corner of paradise.

Good night my dearies, it's good to be back.

P.S. I got an A in my second class too... boosting my GPA up to a cool 3.2 . My goal for the end of this semester is to have it in the 3.3-3.4 range. By god I will have a 3.5 GPA by the time I graduate!!!

....Which reminds me, I need to head to Whitmore and change my Grad. date. AND set up direct deposit for work. Hahaa... Oh boy.

So today was my last day working! Can I get a cassette recording of the 'Hallelujah' chorus please? Handel version, preferable.

I think I'll miss all the girls (and guys) at work. They always make me feel like I'm special, and not in the sped way either. They treat me with respect and kindness.... and quite frankly, who could ask for more in a working enviornment? Not much, that's for damn sure.

Well, I thought it would never happen. I'm back into writing fanfiction. This time (of course) it's of the Dark Knight variety. So, this fanfic is going to explore my versions of the Riddler, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. I'm writing it as a two-couple story... for my dear Ace (I'd say Robyn, but I'd mean Ace, not my former kick-ass of a roommate, hurhur) as a thank you for drawing my Gaia avatar with the Joker. :D.

Another thing that I thought could never happen.... I've just discovered a Zimmer score that I think will kick the Dark Knight score out of this arena -- The Ring/ The Ring 2 soundtrack. I discovered it on iTunes, and figured "Hey, why not... Zimmer hasn't led me wrong before." Now, before we get technical, he produced this soundtrack, and if you're as familiar with his works as I am, you'll hear his influence by the 2:00 mark on the first track. And let me tell you something. If you liked the Hannibal soundtrack, you're going to just die over this one. Yes, Gregorio, I'm looking at you dearest.

But then again, I haven't met a Zimmer fangirl like myself yet. Are you out there, alter-ego? Harley Quinn, what??

XD

Alright, so on the non-fiction front, I'm supposed to move into school on Friday. Well, my neighbors were supposed to help us by providing us an SUV (which will save us an extra trip back to Salem and then to Amherst again) and added awesome company. Unfortunately, it looks like they won't be able to go, because one of them had a heart scare earlier this week, and I don't think it's fair to ask the other to go without her partner, ya know? I mean, I'm selfish, but I don't think I'm that bad.

(Dear god, this soundtrack is PHENOMINAL)

Well, back to the world of Gotham City... at least until I need to start class on the 2nd. I wonder how far into this gigantic novel I can get myself.

<33

I can't believe that it's the end of summer.... well, almost.

I promise I'm going to start using this thing more often! It's just... my summer has been very boring in terms of stuff happening. From June to July I took that crazy class that I told ya'll I dropped... and I got an A! Whee! I'm in the process of finishing a second class, which I'll hopefully get another A... two 3-credit A's will do WONDERS for my GPA.

I've been working crazy hours... 6am - 3pm Monday - Friday for the past 3 months. I finally get some kind of vacation this next week (even though my boss gave me work to take home to do T_T). Here's the rundown as far as I know.

Monday - Day trip to Portland, Maine with my neighbors
Tuesday - Possible trip to Boston!
Wednesday - Going to see the 'Wedded Bliss' exhibit at the PEM
Thursday - Rhode Island to go on my Uncles new Boat
Friday - packing and stuff to go back to UMASS

I move into campus on the 29th, and I'm so excited!! I have a single in Brett this year, and I'm so happy to have a space of my own. This will be the first time in 5 years that I have my own room! :D


Oh... and how can I write an entry and not talk about my current obsession with 'The Dark Knight' movie.

Oh. My. God.

Yeah, I've seen it twice in IMAX and once in a regular theater. I'm obsessed with it. I bought the soundtrack the same day I saw it for the first time, and that's what I listen to at work. Lol, don't fear for my sanity when I tell you that I have an obsession with Heath Ledger's Joker. He brought something to that character that brought out something in me... it was really amazing to see. Needless to say, FACers are going to be seeing a Joker in their midst on the 31st of October. I'm going back and forth with the idea to be in character all day... but that might be exhausting. But fun.

Aaaaand, it's inspired me to make my own youtube channel about makeup. Random, I know, but I've expanded my makeup collection over the past couple of months, and I have all these ideas for extreme looks (nothing you'd wear during the day, thats for sure), and I thought a youtube channel would be awesome... I'm just having a hard time coming up with a name, because I don't want to use 'NotteRequiem' because I have all my other accounts under that name... and if I get fans, I don't want them finding me everywhere.. haha. Any ideas?

I think that's it, really. The 29th can't come quickly enough!!